GAH!

Ever had one of those days that pushes you to the brink of sanity? Yeah, it's been one of those weeks for me. I've had to question my parenting skills on every, single level and realized...I suck at being a parent. I really think I do.

I've wanted children since I was old enough to play with dolls. I always wanted to be the mommy surrounded by my brood of 20 stuffed animals that were my kids. It made me happy to be surrounded by love. It made me happy to have so many things to love.

I grew up not quite sure if I was loved. That's not a pleasant thought...but it was my thought. My little 8, 10, 12 and 14 year old mine was SURE my mother hated me and only adopted me to do her housework. (warped thinking? nahhh....)

Now I know.

Yeah, I had to do housework. It taught me skills. Yeah, I had to do my homework without my parents nagging me (well, after they told me do it and "I shouldn't have to nag you to do it"). Yeah, it taught me self-reliance, and to be a self-starter. Sure I was on restriction 80% of the time but that taught me accountability (and usually my mom forgot I was on restriction within a few hours).

You know what?

I'm doing the same things to my kids.

and you know what? They think I hate them and they're only here to do my housework.

damn karma.

My heart was crushed last week after stumbling across a post my daughter flippantly made on one site she visits. She was depressed. Really depressed and had some pretty terrible thoughts. I knew she was sad here and there but she didn't talk to me. Well, after finding this out...we talked. At length.

Strike one for sucky parent award.

Then tonight my son isn't sure if I love him. "Well, there are lots of ways you can show me but you doooooooon't" he wailed.

There are lots of ways we show it that kids aren't aware of. Things I wasn't aware of when I was a kid when I threw that same hateful, barbed phrase at my mom.

I prayed while driving him to the ER last week for God to let him get air and be okay till we get to the hospital.

I slept (well, laid) on the couch within inches of him so I could watch his chest rise and fall so I knew he was okay. I timed how many breaths-per-minute he was breathing (asthma parents know that one).

I pray every morning and every night for God to protect and watch over my children.

I let my child walk to the store with her friend because I knew she wanted to and would be safe even though the overprotective mom inside me was screaming "no, no, no....if I can't see her ALL the time, she's not safe!" I squelch that inner freaked-out ocd mom all the time for the betterment of my kids.

I'm trying like heck to cut my hours just so I can focus more on my kids, their schooling and their activities. I'm tired of my family taking a back seat to my paycheck.

but I never show them I love them.

I was a rotten, rotten child. I said every mean thing in the book to my mom TRYING to get a reaction from her. Trying to hurt her like I felt she was hurting me.

Boy was I wrong and boy, oh boy am I getting it back two-fold.

Oh...I forgot, strike three on sucky parent award....my daughter has stopped eating dinners and lunches. She still snacks but she thinks she's overweight (she's so not) and wants to be thin.

WHAT??? Who told my daughter she's fat and let me at 'em. She probably looks at me and thinks "oh god...please don't let me be like my mom!"

*sigh*

So I'm spent. I'm done. I don't know where to go from here. My heart is breaking for my son who is the most lovable, caring boy ever but can't make friends at school. He can charm an entire office full of grown women in 2 seconds flat but doesn't know how to make friends his age. I don't want him to lose his lovely spark. His joy. However, every day I see it getting less and less as he's more aware of how kids are treating him. It maddens me. I just want to throttle them and say "Are you aware how AMAZING my son is??"

My daughter is so painfully shy and she's reached an age where it's glaringly apparent that she's behind her peers in social areas. All her friends have boyfriends. All her friends are growing up but she's terrified of growing up. Unsure what's out there for her after high school. She's such a loyal friend, a giving person, a silly, funny, wonderful girl but doesn't seem to see any of that even though I tell her on a daily basis. I would do anything to be able to have her SEE what I see. To look in the mirror and realize how beautiful and amazing she really is. To have that confidence and believe in herself like I believe in her.

So..it's Tuesday. Dare I ask what the rest of the week holds in store for me? oooh....I think not. I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful my family is under one roof, safe and sound. I don't think I should ask for more.