May 10, 2011


Ever had one of those days that pushes you to the brink of sanity? Yeah, it's been one of those weeks for me. I've had to question my parenting skills on every, single level and realized...I suck at being a parent. I really think I do.

I've wanted children since I was old enough to play with dolls. I always wanted to be the mommy surrounded by my brood of 20 stuffed animals that were my kids. It made me happy to be surrounded by love. It made me happy to have so many things to love.

I grew up not quite sure if I was loved. That's not a pleasant thought...but it was my thought. My little 8, 10, 12 and 14 year old mine was SURE my mother hated me and only adopted me to do her housework. (warped thinking? nahhh....)

Now I know.

Yeah, I had to do housework. It taught me skills. Yeah, I had to do my homework without my parents nagging me (well, after they told me do it and "I shouldn't have to nag you to do it"). Yeah, it taught me self-reliance, and to be a self-starter. Sure I was on restriction 80% of the time but that taught me accountability (and usually my mom forgot I was on restriction within a few hours).

You know what?

I'm doing the same things to my kids.

and you know what? They think I hate them and they're only here to do my housework.

damn karma.

My heart was crushed last week after stumbling across a post my daughter flippantly made on one site she visits. She was depressed. Really depressed and had some pretty terrible thoughts. I knew she was sad here and there but she didn't talk to me. Well, after finding this out...we talked. At length.

Strike one for sucky parent award.

Then tonight my son isn't sure if I love him. "Well, there are lots of ways you can show me but you doooooooon't" he wailed.

There are lots of ways we show it that kids aren't aware of. Things I wasn't aware of when I was a kid when I threw that same hateful, barbed phrase at my mom.

I prayed while driving him to the ER last week for God to let him get air and be okay till we get to the hospital.

I slept (well, laid) on the couch within inches of him so I could watch his chest rise and fall so I knew he was okay. I timed how many breaths-per-minute he was breathing (asthma parents know that one).

I pray every morning and every night for God to protect and watch over my children.

I let my child walk to the store with her friend because I knew she wanted to and would be safe even though the overprotective mom inside me was screaming "no, no, no....if I can't see her ALL the time, she's not safe!" I squelch that inner freaked-out ocd mom all the time for the betterment of my kids.

I'm trying like heck to cut my hours just so I can focus more on my kids, their schooling and their activities. I'm tired of my family taking a back seat to my paycheck.

but I never show them I love them.

I was a rotten, rotten child. I said every mean thing in the book to my mom TRYING to get a reaction from her. Trying to hurt her like I felt she was hurting me.

Boy was I wrong and boy, oh boy am I getting it back two-fold.

Oh...I forgot, strike three on sucky parent daughter has stopped eating dinners and lunches. She still snacks but she thinks she's overweight (she's so not) and wants to be thin.

WHAT??? Who told my daughter she's fat and let me at 'em. She probably looks at me and thinks "oh god...please don't let me be like my mom!"


So I'm spent. I'm done. I don't know where to go from here. My heart is breaking for my son who is the most lovable, caring boy ever but can't make friends at school. He can charm an entire office full of grown women in 2 seconds flat but doesn't know how to make friends his age. I don't want him to lose his lovely spark. His joy. However, every day I see it getting less and less as he's more aware of how kids are treating him. It maddens me. I just want to throttle them and say "Are you aware how AMAZING my son is??"

My daughter is so painfully shy and she's reached an age where it's glaringly apparent that she's behind her peers in social areas. All her friends have boyfriends. All her friends are growing up but she's terrified of growing up. Unsure what's out there for her after high school. She's such a loyal friend, a giving person, a silly, funny, wonderful girl but doesn't seem to see any of that even though I tell her on a daily basis. I would do anything to be able to have her SEE what I see. To look in the mirror and realize how beautiful and amazing she really is. To have that confidence and believe in herself like I believe in her.'s Tuesday. Dare I ask what the rest of the week holds in store for me? oooh....I think not. I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful my family is under one roof, safe and sound. I don't think I should ask for more.

Feb 18, 2011

Open your being a kid again.

for MCP's project 52. Week 7: theme "open your heart"

using the "mini fusion" action by MCP

Feb 7, 2011

Cheerio Lei

Cheerio Lei, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

my sons newest creation....

when good toys go bad...

when good toys go bad..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

ians mystery lego men are multiplying...

Feb 5, 2011

and....lovely socks!

and....lovely socks!, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

one of my favorite shots from a Valentines Day session today!

Feb 4, 2011

Aye Carum-ba!

Aye Carum-ba!, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

My son is earning a little item each week he is good at school. He's really loving the "mystery" lego guys. You never know what you're gonna get. This week we got a Mexicano version guy!

Feb 3, 2011


burgled, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Feb 2, 2011

here comes the sun

here comes the sun, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Feb 1, 2011

My Muse.... {for project 52}

My Muse.... {for project 52}, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

my daughter. I am adopted. The day she was born she was the first person I'd ever met who looked like me. Two seconds into this world the doctor delivering her said "she looks just like mommy!' My whole life shifted the day she entered this world. She is so much like me...but better.

Jan 31, 2011


Arg!, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

this is what happens when I try to take a picture of my darling son....

Jan 30, 2011

California Winter

California Winter, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

i'm being lazy with the photos this weekend...using my daughters itouch :)

Jan 29, 2011


Hair-do, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

girls day...Em and I getting are hair done :)

Jan 28, 2011

pea soup....

pea soup...., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Jan 27, 2011


ready....set...., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

mirror mirror....

mirror mirror...., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

...or roof of the car.

Jan 25, 2011


ah....colors, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

my mini-rose bush leaves are showing signs of...fall?

Jan 24, 2011

i heart Shawn the sheep ♥

i heart Shawn the sheep ♥, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Jan 23, 2011


dandelion , originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

macro...a'la fish eye attached to 50mm

Jan 22, 2011


spidey..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

fisheye attached to my 50mm lens


spidey..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

fisheye attached to my 50mm lens

Jan 21, 2011

branching out...

branching out..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA. front of the moon

Jan 20, 2011

bus meets bug

bus meets bug, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

more fun with Ian's {formerly Papa C's} toys

Jan 19, 2011

drip line

drip line, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Jan 18, 2011

always carry a spare...

always carry a spare..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Jan 17, 2011


fenced, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Jan 16, 2011

coming through...

coming through..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

we hear trains daily. Nightly. They're not so close it's a problem or irritating. They're just a lovely sound off in the distance that you can hear when things are just quiet enough in the house.

Jan 14, 2011

early morning...

early morning..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Saw this scene as I dropped my daughter off at the bus stop....I had to go home, get my camera and get a picture.

Jan 13, 2011

you talkin' to me?

you talkin' to me?, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Jan 12, 2011

magnetic poetry

magnetic poetry, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Jan 11, 2011

♫ all you need is....♪

♫ all you need is....♪, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

believe it or not...this is my first "light writing" experiment. haha. When pressed the shutter I realized I had no clue what to I wrote this ♥

Jan 10, 2011


frosted...., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

yep, got a wee bit cold for us Californians {cold=29 degrees}. EVERYTHING was coated in ice including the roads!

Jan 8, 2011


bubbly..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

one of the remnants from the vintage Christmas I grew up with. These used to sit on the trees but I couldn't find the pieces you needed for that. I DID, however, find a handy "faux" candle stand to twist it it sits in my window in all it's day-glo-red-and-green-vintage-ish. :)

Jan 7, 2011

more of Emmaline's work...

more of Emmaline's work..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

again...she drew and colored this sitting on the couch one night after dinner. Utilizing the new manga pens Santa brought her. It took her about 30mins.

Jan 6, 2011

6-365 Emmaline's art

6-365 Emmaline's art, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

My daughter loves Anime'. Lives, breathes and dreams in Anime. She's always been good at drawing but just in the last year she's really come into her own. She whips out these drawings (colored and everything) in 20 minutes. Just blows me away.

Jan 5, 2011

♪when marimba rhythm starts to play...♫ 5/365 with me...make me sway♫

Jan 4, 2011

street lights 4/365

street lights 4/365, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

♥ 3/365

♥ 4/365, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

Jan 3, 2011

tree line 2/365

tree line 3/365, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.
fun with my new funkified action...

Jan 1, 2011

2011/ 365 The "do-over" year!

Cheers to 2011! 1/365, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

I think this is my fourth year doing the photo a day {or project 365 as some know it}. I can't say I've been perfect at it. I think my first year I did the best, the others were Hit and miss.
Let's give it a go again this year and see what happens!