life is funny...

I became a little waylay-ed in my blogging by...well, NOT blogging.


It's really no surprise. I facebook, I flickr, I pinterest, I'm now Google+-ing (not a word..noted)I've forgotten my myspace password so lord only knows what's going on over there and I have my own webpage.


So I cruised on over here to my lonely ol' blog only to read my last post and say, "oh my gosh, I am feeling that EXACT same way right now!" I could've written that post today. I felt that post yesterday after arguing with my 17yr old. She's graduating in LESS THAN 2 months and we're both feeling pretty panicked.


When did this happen? She was 4 years old, letting me braid her hair just yesterday. I'm feeling both sad and excited that she's getting ready to start a new phase of her life. She is purely terrified.


I clearly remember that feeling. "Oh my gosh, what do I do now?" and freaking out just a tad.


I was never one of those deeply driven kids that knew since the day she was 9 that she was going to be a Doctor/ Scientist/ etc. Is that a BAD thing? I happily (and sometimes NOT so happily) floated along, living my life and "WHAMMO!" Senior year. I never had a problem keeping my grades up I think I just loved so many different career paths that I could never focus on just one. I loved music, I loved theater. I ended up floating along to a Community College, which was really just High School without the bells and lunch. I loved it. I still hung out with the same group of friends just in a bigger venue. Little fish, big pond syndrome. Sure we felt swallowed up a bit by the campus, but we still had our little pod of friends that would gather around lunch-ish time or so at the campus cafeteria.


For me it was a blast because I could take whatever class I wanted! I took a voice class, band class, Writing class, piano, Choir (notice a trend?), Jazz Dance, computer programming and then did the "have to" classes like math, science and spanish.


Yeah, that went well. Again, no focus...floating along having fun for two years.


One of my best friends decided to take a class at the local ROP for Dental Assisting and asked if I'd like to go with her. Not only did I go, it became my career that I still am doing and still ENJOY doing 20+ years later.


Life is funny.


Fast-forward and now my daughter is heading towards community college. Her focus is definitely better than mine was. She loves art. She's excellent at it. That's what she wants to do. I was saddened to hear one of her teachers, after hearing her gush on about her plans for the future, said "You know, you can't make money doing that. It's not a real career." >:( WTH?? You want to P*ss off a mom toot-sweet, say something like that. Granted, I realize reality is something we must be grounded in, but our dreams should never be stepped on like a bug. Especially by a TEACHER!


What was I talking about? oh yeah....sucky parent of the year. Well, at least I'm consistent!


Here's hoping for less sucky days for all.

GAH!

Ever had one of those days that pushes you to the brink of sanity? Yeah, it's been one of those weeks for me. I've had to question my parenting skills on every, single level and realized...I suck at being a parent. I really think I do.

I've wanted children since I was old enough to play with dolls. I always wanted to be the mommy surrounded by my brood of 20 stuffed animals that were my kids. It made me happy to be surrounded by love. It made me happy to have so many things to love.

I grew up not quite sure if I was loved. That's not a pleasant thought...but it was my thought. My little 8, 10, 12 and 14 year old mine was SURE my mother hated me and only adopted me to do her housework. (warped thinking? nahhh....)

Now I know.

Yeah, I had to do housework. It taught me skills. Yeah, I had to do my homework without my parents nagging me (well, after they told me do it and "I shouldn't have to nag you to do it"). Yeah, it taught me self-reliance, and to be a self-starter. Sure I was on restriction 80% of the time but that taught me accountability (and usually my mom forgot I was on restriction within a few hours).

You know what?

I'm doing the same things to my kids.

and you know what? They think I hate them and they're only here to do my housework.

damn karma.

My heart was crushed last week after stumbling across a post my daughter flippantly made on one site she visits. She was depressed. Really depressed and had some pretty terrible thoughts. I knew she was sad here and there but she didn't talk to me. Well, after finding this out...we talked. At length.

Strike one for sucky parent award.

Then tonight my son isn't sure if I love him. "Well, there are lots of ways you can show me but you doooooooon't" he wailed.

There are lots of ways we show it that kids aren't aware of. Things I wasn't aware of when I was a kid when I threw that same hateful, barbed phrase at my mom.

I prayed while driving him to the ER last week for God to let him get air and be okay till we get to the hospital.

I slept (well, laid) on the couch within inches of him so I could watch his chest rise and fall so I knew he was okay. I timed how many breaths-per-minute he was breathing (asthma parents know that one).

I pray every morning and every night for God to protect and watch over my children.

I let my child walk to the store with her friend because I knew she wanted to and would be safe even though the overprotective mom inside me was screaming "no, no, no....if I can't see her ALL the time, she's not safe!" I squelch that inner freaked-out ocd mom all the time for the betterment of my kids.

I'm trying like heck to cut my hours just so I can focus more on my kids, their schooling and their activities. I'm tired of my family taking a back seat to my paycheck.

but I never show them I love them.

I was a rotten, rotten child. I said every mean thing in the book to my mom TRYING to get a reaction from her. Trying to hurt her like I felt she was hurting me.

Boy was I wrong and boy, oh boy am I getting it back two-fold.

Oh...I forgot, strike three on sucky parent award....my daughter has stopped eating dinners and lunches. She still snacks but she thinks she's overweight (she's so not) and wants to be thin.

WHAT??? Who told my daughter she's fat and let me at 'em. She probably looks at me and thinks "oh god...please don't let me be like my mom!"

*sigh*

So I'm spent. I'm done. I don't know where to go from here. My heart is breaking for my son who is the most lovable, caring boy ever but can't make friends at school. He can charm an entire office full of grown women in 2 seconds flat but doesn't know how to make friends his age. I don't want him to lose his lovely spark. His joy. However, every day I see it getting less and less as he's more aware of how kids are treating him. It maddens me. I just want to throttle them and say "Are you aware how AMAZING my son is??"

My daughter is so painfully shy and she's reached an age where it's glaringly apparent that she's behind her peers in social areas. All her friends have boyfriends. All her friends are growing up but she's terrified of growing up. Unsure what's out there for her after high school. She's such a loyal friend, a giving person, a silly, funny, wonderful girl but doesn't seem to see any of that even though I tell her on a daily basis. I would do anything to be able to have her SEE what I see. To look in the mirror and realize how beautiful and amazing she really is. To have that confidence and believe in herself like I believe in her.

So..it's Tuesday. Dare I ask what the rest of the week holds in store for me? oooh....I think not. I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful my family is under one roof, safe and sound. I don't think I should ask for more.

Open your heart......to being a kid again.

Open your heart......to being a kid again., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

for MCP's project 52. Week 7: theme "open your heart"

www.MargaretSmithPhotography.com

using the "mini fusion" action by MCP

Cheerio Lei

Cheerio Lei, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

my sons newest creation....

when good toys go bad...

when good toys go bad..., originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

ians mystery lego men are multiplying...

and....lovely socks!

and....lovely socks!, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

one of my favorite shots from a Valentines Day session today!

Aye Carum-ba!

Aye Carum-ba!, originally uploaded by MaggieRDA.

My son is earning a little item each week he is good at school. He's really loving the "mystery" lego guys. You never know what you're gonna get. This week we got a Mexicano version guy!